Stand By Me

In the summer of 1984 a friend of mine had an abortion.  In the Canadian mid-eighties this was considered a radical thing to do.  It involved the exchange of money and a trip to a clinic that may or may not have had pro-life protesters marching in front of it on the day of your appointment.

A further complication for my friend was that we were catholic so the whole mortal sin thing was hanging over our heads.  I say our heads because I lent her money for the procedure.  So, in fact, I aided and abetted the committing of the sin that was to prevent my friend from going to heaven directly upon death.

I now know that I was what we call book smart nowadays but man, I was a long way from being life smart that summer I was 17.  And as a mother of a now 17 year old girl I see the mirror reflection of this reality.

This abortion was quite necessary for my friend.  Her parents were staunch roman catholics and she would have been kicked out of the home and goodness knows where her life would be today. One thing is for certain though...it would have been a much rougher ride for her and that yet unformed child.

My musings of this time are brought on by my recent Linkedin re-connection with the religion teacher I had that year.  He is now a principal of a catholic high school.  I wonder, in his prior role of a religion teacher/counselor, how many young women he had to discuss abortion with.  Because he did with me.  My friend's abortion caused a major moral dilemma in my life.  The first voiced dilemma of what would turn out to be many fruitless hours spent worrying and wondering if 'god' would be happy with my earthly actions.  This young religion teacher, at the time of this moral quandary, was fairly new in his career and not too far removed from the hippie protests I know he participated in against things like nuclear arms.  At this point of his new career he was also leading bus loads of people to the very pro-life protests my friend could have faced on the day she went for her 'secret' abortion.  I don't remember much of what he said regarding my moral quandary but I do remember he pleaded with me to support my friend in her decision, in whatever form that took.  This advice had the effect of soothing my conscience - at the time.  Many years later I felt outraged that he had managed to bypass the whole pro-life debate with me and for that I am sure he was quite grateful.

Seeing his name pop up this morning as a new connection on Linkedin floods my mind with these thoughts.  Thoughts of incongruent teachings by the church of my birth.  A church that provided many opportunities for moral quandaries in my life.  Parents separating/divorcing/annulling?  Check. Not going to church regularly?  Check.  Not going to confession/communion regularly?  Check.  Eating meat on Friday?  Check. Not giving up something for lent?  Check. Masturbation?  Check.  Pre-marital sex? Check.  Shacking up before marriage?  Check.  Marrying in a different church?  Check.  Using birth control?  Check.  Raising my child in the church?  Check.  A homosexual sibling?  Check.  Husband abandoning marriage and infant child?  Check. Wipe slate clean with an anullment?  Check.

Looking back on all those life events that shackled my moral compass for years I feel exhausted.  I feel exhausted because the years I spent under the duress of the obligations of mother church were so futile.  I can not take on the church.  Any church.  But as a parent I am proud to report that these shackles have been removed from my child.  Her moral compass lies within and my hope for her is that this freedom will allow her to channel her youthful energy into making the world a better place.  Because, you see, for too many generations my family has been segued through life with the roman catholic church observing and directing from the moral rafters.  Enough is enough.  I severed the cord and claimed complete moral responsibility for my child early on in her life and am almost ready to release her into the world.  She will have complete freedom to choose whatever tools she needs to nurture her own moral compass and I will support her as best as I can with her choices.  For isn't that the best we can do?  My high school religion teacher thought so too and made sure I heard that above all else.  I think I might send him this blog post as a thank-you.  I hope he 'gets' it.

#OccupyEarth Pledge

1. I promise to actively pursue the creation of a local community council (representing 200-2000 people in my same geographical proximity...one building or one block or one suburban/rural area).   I also promise to serve as an actively engaged member for at least 3 years of my life (in flexible allotments/commitment times).  An upper maximum allowed to serve on council  might be for 10 or 15 years but only in 3 year consecutive allotments   Democratic process should  provide for the mechanisms to create and pay for this type of civic structure.  All of the numbers are arguable....the point is to engage the citizenry and make it easy to be heard.
2. I promise to ensure that Zero Carbon Footprints should be embedded in policy.  At each and every level of government.  And, in your household - use carbon offsetting donations if you cannot go offgrid.
3. I promise to share what I can and when I can:  money; food; time; resources.
4. I promise to be emotionally available and actively listen.  I will actively pursue real (face to face) connections frequently.  The goal is daily (and very flexible).
5. I will honour my body and it's need for healthy fresh food, rest, and exercise.  The goal is daily and also very flexible.

Peer Pressure

http://www.savagechickens.com/

It sounds so trite to say it but I'm gonna do it anyway.

You can't beat friendship.

I just spent time with someone I met at aged 20.  That would make it almost a 25 year relationship.  One of the longest non-blood relationships I've had that has sustained itself with some regularity.

I feel like I've had a solid serving of love to top me up until my next encounter with intimacy.

Because, as I've told some of my friends before, that's how I regard my good friends.  They are intimate with me in ways that do not include sexuality and I'd marry each and every one of them if it wasn't for the fact that we just don't feel the inclination to have sex with each other. Never have, and likely never will.

As someone who has managed to bypass the permanent monogamous relationship state of adulthood I guess I've come to rely on these types of friendships to fill the need for intimacy that humans seem to require.

I've watched most friends (and myself) transition in and out of sexually intimate relationships and can see the clear benefits for some and disadvantages for others and the fine line that exists between the state of bliss and the state of discord.

The same line exists in my platonic relationships but it is not such a 'fine' line for me anymore.  As my mother has started to say:  "I don't have time for this shit" and I'm taking on the same attitude with respect to the friendships I've had/have/considered.  

I know that as a friend I have flaws.  Many.  I also have been confronted by a few loving friends over the years and have learned to consider constructive criticism and the feelings of others.  I have thankfully also learned that I am willing to learn how to communicate with others.  That is what makes me not only a good friend but also, at times, a great friend.  And that is also what makes my friends great.  We are not perfect but we are all astounding people.  This is because the group of people that have chosen to occasionally explore this path called life with me are, without exception, people who are growing and evolving continuously.  They are self aware and can also see the areas in the their life that need work.   And because they are growing and allowing me to witness this growth first hand I feel compelled to join along.

Life doesn't really change much from childhood other than we can choose to hang with the dead weights or the people that are going places (emotionally) with their life.  I am fortunate that throughout most of my own life I have had some pretty evolved people around me that have included me in their circles and I feel that I am a much better person for it. 

I find that after spending face-to-face time with one of my intimate friends, I feel hope knowing that in the dark times ahead (because there are always dark times ahead!) there will at least be this shoulder to cry on.  Even if it is a shoulder that isn't seen very often due to circumstance or geography.  And after the tears there is the gentle nudge forward to find the light once again.