My head is bursting.

Me at Machu Picchu, Peru December 3, 2011

I have had two weeks that will change my life.

I know this with a certitude that has escaped me in the past other than yes, I wanted to breed and yes, I would attend university (for much longer than the average bear...as it turned out).

I have no idea how my experiences from the last two weeks will change me.  But, then again,  I didn't know how going to university and becoming a mother would change me also. The uncertainty of the outcome is part of the deliciousness of the certitude.

My linear mind wants to force the experiences into tiny  boxes and, to be honest, on facebook I just status-ed about my 4 distinct vacations/destinations along with a distance count (nearly 20,000 kilometers by plane, train, and automobile).

I think I will allow a few days of processing and leave this post as an indication of things to come.

Loco pero feliz en el Perú

Machu Picchu, Peru

Tomorrow morning I will be taking the train to Machu Picchu.  I am in Peru and have been for the last four days.  The first two days were spent in Lima.  The last two days have been spent in Cusco, acclimatizing to the thin air of the Andes.  I think I am ready to take on MP.

I am a little stunned by the experience so far.  The trip was suggested, confirmed and planned within about 3 weeks of take off and two of my friends are with me.  Two friends that did not know each other before this trip.  Two friends that are now probably life long friends after the last 4 intense days and the remaining 5.

There are internet cafes everywhere in this very tourist centred town and I am sitting in one right now.  A TV is blaring downstairs in Spanish.  A spanish radio station is playing in the cafe.  There are traditional dancers in the small plaza up the road.  I just negotiated two solas off of the purchase of a universal adapter for charging my new battery for my camera.  I know about 20 words in Spanish - which is an increase of about 15 words from 5 days ago....language is not my forte!!  Earlier this evening, we all enjoyed a 1.25 hour long full body massage (without the ´happy´ ending that a young man offered one of my young travelling companions earlier! :).

I am literally overwhelmed by the new tastes, sounds, smells, experiences and interpersonal and individual growth I am experiencing.

I met a 64 year old woman from Calgary at our hostel in Lima.  We felt sympatico in our mutual sense of adventure.  She was about to leave after spending six weeks in Peru, including three weeks homestaying and learning Spanish in the area I am now in.  I feel, like she did, that to pick up and go on a whirlwind cross planet trip (she did hers with six weeks notice for her six week trip) is either a real sign of insanity or of joie de vivre.

Or both :)

Cheer your way out of an illness.

Telling me to cheer up or imply that I am not welcome unless portraying a cheery disposition implies that I have control over my physical and/or mental circumstances.  Waking up and being unable to fully function physically on a regular basis is no fun.  And, fyi,  there seems to be no cause/cure other than the lesions on my spinal cord.  I repeat, there is no known cure or cause.  So no, I did not bring this on myself. And lately I have completely reverted to the only pragmatic solution my budget allows - following a very restricted diet.

I agree that being in a good headspace is important when you have a serious illness.  But sometimes attitude does not overcome physical realities.   This past month has been disturbingly difficult for me.  The prolonged lack of employment is like a game of dominoes on my central nervous system.

I don't know if one can ever accept shitty things about one's life and circumstance.  I think the great literary works of art (and the visual/musical ones) serve as testament to the profound unease (and/or *dis* ease) that many of us struggle with.  One just learns to ignore and batten down the hatches, more often than not. I think I've been pretty good at the ignore part and I'm a mere novice apprentice for battening down the hatches.

So advising me to cheer up does not validate my reality.  I have an illness that can not be meditated away.  As far as I know.

Peer Pressure

http://www.savagechickens.com/

It sounds so trite to say it but I'm gonna do it anyway.

You can't beat friendship.

I just spent time with someone I met at aged 20.  That would make it almost a 25 year relationship.  One of the longest non-blood relationships I've had that has sustained itself with some regularity.

I feel like I've had a solid serving of love to top me up until my next encounter with intimacy.

Because, as I've told some of my friends before, that's how I regard my good friends.  They are intimate with me in ways that do not include sexuality and I'd marry each and every one of them if it wasn't for the fact that we just don't feel the inclination to have sex with each other. Never have, and likely never will.

As someone who has managed to bypass the permanent monogamous relationship state of adulthood I guess I've come to rely on these types of friendships to fill the need for intimacy that humans seem to require.

I've watched most friends (and myself) transition in and out of sexually intimate relationships and can see the clear benefits for some and disadvantages for others and the fine line that exists between the state of bliss and the state of discord.

The same line exists in my platonic relationships but it is not such a 'fine' line for me anymore.  As my mother has started to say:  "I don't have time for this shit" and I'm taking on the same attitude with respect to the friendships I've had/have/considered.  

I know that as a friend I have flaws.  Many.  I also have been confronted by a few loving friends over the years and have learned to consider constructive criticism and the feelings of others.  I have thankfully also learned that I am willing to learn how to communicate with others.  That is what makes me not only a good friend but also, at times, a great friend.  And that is also what makes my friends great.  We are not perfect but we are all astounding people.  This is because the group of people that have chosen to occasionally explore this path called life with me are, without exception, people who are growing and evolving continuously.  They are self aware and can also see the areas in the their life that need work.   And because they are growing and allowing me to witness this growth first hand I feel compelled to join along.

Life doesn't really change much from childhood other than we can choose to hang with the dead weights or the people that are going places (emotionally) with their life.  I am fortunate that throughout most of my own life I have had some pretty evolved people around me that have included me in their circles and I feel that I am a much better person for it. 

I find that after spending face-to-face time with one of my intimate friends, I feel hope knowing that in the dark times ahead (because there are always dark times ahead!) there will at least be this shoulder to cry on.  Even if it is a shoulder that isn't seen very often due to circumstance or geography.  And after the tears there is the gentle nudge forward to find the light once again.