"OMG, I allowed that man to orgasm in me. Without protection! I wantonly willed it!" My (68 yo) mother and I (45 yo) shared these thoughts together, yesterday on the phone. We have both marvelled at the wonders of the biological clock over the years and at the choices we made when our own clocks were a buzzing.
"that man" is my XHusband (and "that man" for my mum is my Dad, her XHusband).
My mother, the slut (sarcasm alert), conceived me before an actual wedding date was set. So my very being necessitated a hasty marriage to my Dad. A marriage that was prompted by a cleverly planned emigration from Ireland (so no one was told of my conception).
This forced-marriage-emigration ploy by my parents was followed by a turbulent 15 year marriage. An emigration to Canada (wtf? why not somewhere warm and kewl, like Australia or exotic like South Africa?). All of which was finally sorted, for me, in my thirties (yup, it took me twenty years...longer than their feckin' marriage).
XHusband and I were married nearly 3 years when our first child was conceived (I was 26, he was 27 and this was the early 90s, so quaint). The child that miscarried. He impregnated me with Daughter a few months after that miscarriage but also started his dating life with his current wife. I was very needy after that miscarriage. I know he tried. But he wasn't in it for the long haul and today, after 17+ yrs, I have to admit that I wasn't in it for the long haul for the right reasons either. BTW, it is only hindsight that allows me to admit this.
XHusband texted Daughter this week asking if she needed the money he had for her upcoming university gig. He, a 46 yo grown man, texted his 17 yo daughter and asked her if he was allowed to use her university money for house renovations. The house renovations that involve eliminating a bed in his house for her. A renovation that leaves her homeless if her other parent, moi, chose to do the same.
And today, all I can think of is: A mother's instinct never fails.
Daughter needs protection from this imbecile I allowed to impregnate me. And so, I will. Continue to.
In whatever way I am able. Just like my Mum has done for me.
And I'm the first one to admit that I'm not perfect and I'm not enough. But it's all we got.