I had a nice day and evening planned for myself yesterday. And none of it happened. I'm delighted.
I feel like I was released from a sort of purgatory. And I guess, in a way, I was.
Being the parent of only one child and being on my own for nearly her entire childhood had me in a state of purgatory. I've known this for years and really felt quite powerless to change the feeling.
Oh wait. Do you know what purgatory is? My catholic upbringing gave me some propitiously delicious analogies and I forget that not everyone has access to them. My childhood was filled with images of chubby unwinged (for they are not holy angels, the poor wee craters) and unbaptised babies happily whiling their infinity away in the in-between-heaven-and-hell state of purgatory. So by using an analogy to purgatory I'm not referring to something negative. On the contrary it is quite blissful and all the more so because of one's own ignorance about the other two greatly opposing states of heaven and hell.
So back to the end of my own purgatorial frolicking aka single motherhood.
I've blathered about Daughter leaving for university before. Well. It's happening. Tomorrow.
And yesterday I decided in the morning to throw away all the day's plans and take action on a crazy idea that's been simmering for a few weeks now. And boom. Bam. That crazy idea looks like it is gonna happen. I'm tickled pink.
The funny thing is, once I shared my idea with Daughter (over our Last Supper alone together since boyfriend is coming over tonight), she exploded. I got a blow-by-blow account of every resentment, every flaw, and every fear that was simmering away inside her 17 year old self against moi, the far from perfect mother. It was all laid at my feet. And after a few passionate exchanges between us she finally blurted out: "I'm petrified of moving away to university."
And there it was. My baby still needs me. Gratitude washed over me. But Momma needs to push her out of the nest. I didn't share that with her but I did tell her that I won't dismantle said nest just yet. Upon reflection this morning I am struck by how normal this exchange was. And that leaves me with a feeling of enormous satisfaction and the sense of release from my personal and unconsciously self imposed state of purgatory.
And oh yeah...my idea? A cross-Canada drive....from Vancouver to St. John's with this really cool service. Crazy, right?