Freedom 105?

Father called a short while ago.

"I didn't want to worry you."

Fuck.

He has been eight days in hospital.  This is his third trip this year.  No answers as to why he is passing out other than it has something to do with his heart, they think (!?).

One more test Monday and then they might be putting in a defibrillator.

Both of my parents are 68 and in moderate states of health.

My dad, up until last Friday, has been working full time at a seasonal job since April and was really pleased that he landed this full time job so that he can collect employment insurance throughout the winter and return to the job next spring.  My mother has basically never not worked since arriving in Canada in 1967.

So far, each of their retirement years have been spent paying off debt.

They are not together and haven't been since 1982.  I often refer to their continuing state of employment (well into what should be their golden years) as one of the perks of divorce.  Or penances.

I'm not alone with this view point.  I can't think of one divorcee that has had an easy time of it financially even if it meant downsizing into a luxurious condominium from the family mansion after divorce proceedings. I have also personally lived this reality and have come to accept there is no golden years future for me too.

If my father's health now means he will no longer be able to work I fear for his mental well being, with good cause.  He has shown himself to be unable to 'do nothing' and today I am left wishing that I could support both of my parents so that each of them could pursue more leisurely activities at this stage of their lives.  Travel for my father.  Writing and travel for my mother.

As someone who currently is not gainfully employed these are pretty lofty goals.  But as someone who also just witnessed the passing of a similarly aged neighbour I am not rationally processing my fears at the moment.

Damn.